23 July 2007

10:19 PM

So, I get onto my MySpace account today and see this:

http://www.myspace.com/sydcartoons

I LOVE IT!

I crack up every time I look at it but am also overwhelmed with sadness (perhaps a bit of nostalgia too as I started off with that kind of a typewriter and can still remember using (real carbon paper for) carbon copies and common courtesies, never mind being overwhelmed with the implications about how much further our technology has outstripped our ability to use it all well these days – at least not without first destroying everything else around us….)

Anyway, if you enjoyed his latest cartoon as much as I did, and how could you not regardless the reasons, he’s got lots of other ones on display… and changes them on his Avatar for our viewing pleasure on a regular basis… I think he is even selling a book of these… His first… Now, isn’t someone who has the ability to express entertaining humour (and might even educate us on occasion) worth the trouble of buying his book?

And he’s Canadian too! Gotta love that!

You can find him at:

http://www.myspace.com/sydcartoons

Oklahoma vacation shelved. 

I’m feeling quite ill lately, particularly since Sunday… I am having such a hard time finding a doctor as they won’t really take on new clients and mine of 20 years just up and left for France about 8-9 years.  I don’t even know where my file is although it was razer thin even after 20 years as I was, up until recently, as healthy as a horse… Ah, but who knows… I’m getting these blinding headaches again… I can’t concentrate; I can’t even think straight or see straight or even type without making more errors than not!  It takes too much energy to do even the simplest of tasks. But even with feeling so dizzy and bad, I was able to distinguish amidst all these other maladies or malaises or whatever they are called, that I was also very sad this morning.

I had finally decided that I was going to take a chance and have some fun and enjoy life despite money and other issues…

I am up for a vacation next month and I had already told my office that I was going to OKLAHOMA, of all places (!!), for a few days and had put in the call to my sister, the travel agent, to see what she could find for me by way of a bed-and-breakfast… I was actually excited by the whole prospect.  

I had wanted to show good faith to someone whom I thought was a friend and still consider to be one although I think he is nothing but a huge scaredy-cat when it comes to his sharing of his feelings, plus he had invited me there at some point (although whether he was just doing so to be polite or really meant it but realized the logistics is something I cannot know), but, after this weekend, I’m just not sure if he would have been as pleased with my surprise as I certainly would have liked him to feel and was beginning to feel myself.  I didn’t even get the chance to tell him actually although I came thisclose and then we got cut off during our chat…. and then, well, he doesn’t seem to take anything other than what he sees in front of him and he has an unusual way of interpretting things…argh, but too long to explain…

It was just all that on-and-off chatting for about 8 years and I finally thought, what the hay, I’ll meet him for coffee just so we can finally talk in PERSON and so we can know more clearly the intents of our subsequent written words even after just one meeting – and if it goes into dinner, then all the better.  If he wants to show me around Smalltown USA, in the mid-west, no less, it would be a spectacular way to spend a few days and really become friends – rather become real friends… If he didn’t, well, I’m a big girl and he had already told me a bit about the surrounding areas and had sent me some URL’s to websites etc. and I’d looked it all up on the ‘net and I was ready to take a look around on my own.  I do not want to impose.  I just wanted to do something fun and spontaneous again and I thought he could use some of that too.  I guess that is not going to happen at this point, however, at least not with respect to my going to Oklahoma at this time.  I wonder how he would have reacted if I had had the chance to tell him.  Maybe it is better I do not know?  How silly to even think that way.

It just saddens me.  What saddens me even more is that he has hinted and even said that he is fed up with a lot of things, stressed out of his gourd, ‘or would be’ if he could feel, and, while our interactions that are combative are understandable, I really do not know how to be his friend, a friend, via the restrictive means and confines of a chat or e-mail line… I think meeting up would have been kind of fun – or grown to be after a few minutes of awkwardness…

Still I wonder if he would have been pleasantly surprised that I would make the effort – it wasn’t really much of an effort; I wanted to…   I guess I’ll never know.  He’s just not ready or open to that kind of thing at the moment …or maybe just not with meeting me and straightening out some of his errant views that were borne of my bad writing and his constant incorrect and negative interpretations.  At least if some of them were positive!  But maybe I was wrong about that… I was just so looking forward to having a normal face-to-face chat or two as that would have gone such a long way to showing us how different our subsequent interpretations, given that we would now actually have a real base of the actual person from which to draw them, without either of us having to say a word about it.   I really wasn’t expecting anything else; that would have all been a bonusPlus, amongst other strange things, this weekend he was going on about my having lived in Europe amongst other things… Lived in Europe? I had told him I took a vacation there for 18 days in May 2005.  What was he going on about, if not that?  If I were I ask him, as I have with previous similar incidents, i.e., if he is mixing up his women, he flies off the handle in one way or another…and that, I think, is a huge red flag and indicative of something far more worrisome than that actual subject at hand or in clarifying it, but then I have so many of my own these days – red flags, that is.  Most especially the barriers I am putting up because I don’t feel so well… I’m like a wounded animal in need of protecting myself  and, therefore isolating myself, but I gotta get me to a doctor quick!!! 

Plus, as to my friend, I wish he would just talk, discuss, dialogue, instead of make sweeping statements or accuse or make me feel like his words of putting me in my supposed place and showing his superiority in one way or other, are just his way of saving himself from having dodged another bullet that I, a woman, would have surely aimed and fired his way  — but that’s just me and what I want, i.e., open(-ended) discussion… It takes two to make any kind of relationship work, after all.  And some basic trust is sort of a prerequisite or, as seems here, its a dealbreaker without it since nothing else can be built on the current shifting sands of his mistrust… I’m not even sure he realizes just how much he does…and it isn’t really me he mistrusts because I have given him no real reason to so do but, even so, I am the recipient of the manifestations of his fears of being hurt again and his need to protect his tender heart.  Time will tell.  I probably should have told him this in the same way I wrote it here.  And BEFORE the other stuff… Would it have made any difference; I don’t know…

In the meantime, I would have really enjoyed his company, I do believe, in the 3D.  

I don’t think I am wrong about that. In fact, of the few things I am sure of, THAT is one of them.  I imagine he might have been a bit awkward, at least at first, and that only makes me smile… I think I might have felt that at first as well since he knows a few things about me, as I do of him, that at least I would not be saying to someone in the 3D for a very long time, if ever at all… I mean how many people start to know you from the inside outward instead of the usual outside inward?…