“I ain’t lookin’ to compete with you… Beat or cheat or mistreat you… Simplify you, classify you… Deny, defy, or crucify you… All I really want to do… Is, baby, be friends with you…” – Bob Dylan
Just another WordPress.com weblog***022-***-***-***-Kelvaennius Verynn Al Ferryth Twylliweg Sylvaestrun
(Part of reply sent to you on 13 May 2008 sent to your e-mail, in case it got lost in cyberspace, added herec on 15th May and what is in brackets added for clarification and also shortened on 17th))
Tuesday, May 13, 2008 8:35 AM
From:
To:
Subject:
I wish you nothing but good, “Kelvaennius”, and strength to face down your demons and heal.
I wrote that in 2007, “Kelvaennius”, MAY 2007, when YOU first told me the same things you are (telling me) now, (i.e., the accusations not the threats which have been added in recent months) and thus began this whole cycle that I felt drawn into and tried since then to get out of without walking away.
I have removed it from public view now; I couldn’t last night because my computer was acting up and I came on here as soon as I woke up to so do and read this e-mail from you instead…
…you had already read it, (i.e., what I had written here and have now replaced with this current blurb) LAST YEAR; how could you not remember when you had already commented on it to me LAST YEAR?! and NOW you are angry? …(That would be like me getting angry and banning you from my life as you have just done for the Al Gore statements to me and about my country etc., to name just one instance, now, (today,) an ENTIRE year later, AND after we would have talked about it (although in THIS instance that was not entirely true, as you are aware, but you did say I was entitled to time to talk to you about it and you did offer an apology until that time)!!)… You even mocked it to me about it.
And now (you write that) you don’t care when I wrote it or why? Face up to it, man; who do you think …()… came up with “Kelvaennius Verynn Al Ferryth Twylliweg Sylvaestrun” to begin with? It wasn’t me. I was reacting to it all. The whole thing is a defensive piece ((and you could argue the words or the venue but you didn’t at the time and, so, why now?) and, anyway, all I wrote was, in such utter sadness, where I say how much I have come to care for you and that you keep telling me that, for both of our protection, you are keeping us at arm’s length (huh?!) and that you want to get to know me but because of certain issues you have named, to keep it online for a while (duh!, like I have been telling you since JANUARY 2007, if not before Christmas of 2006) given what you have told me of some of your romantic adventures from online etc. and this is not judgment on you (as I say more power to you to be so alive and to do things as you please without hurting anyone else) but, more particularly, because you were hurting from a rather nasty hurtful breakup and you were in the middle of setting up your blog and your network of websites etc. and, as I repeated in our telephone conversation last Friday, what kind of a friend, a real friend, would I be, (who isn’t going to take only what she needs and screw you, again, as already discussed) , if I pushed for more than just friendship, (well, it got to be friendship- plus but that wasn’t a one-way street and it didn’t go too far in directions of complications to cause disruption in your healing process etc. (except when you got into these angry outbursts and then always except when a third party was introduced two months ago, always apologized for), and, hey, I had/have stuff going on in my own life, as you well know, so the timing was, as discussed, just to take it easy and to enjoy one another and have some fun and waste a few hours with some laughs and getting to know one another!!!)! And you are blowing up at me now? Have you read all that YOU have written and accused me of and then apologized for? (It’s ok, but this blaming me for everything and the common cold, and so often out of the blue, gets a bit tiring… My dear, dear man!)
You are (Are you) looking for problems!(?! 
) Shall I fix this once and for all?
If you are hurt or angry now; imagine what I have had to go through and think why I still stuck around. …Why I have been (felt the need to become) so protective and so cautious (and so often reactive (in my defense), as I kept pointing out about feeling that I need to walk on eggshells (and would like to put everything on the table and tried to so do, so often) etc.) but (I) still stuck around. (Must mean that I see behind all this anger and other stuff, no???!!! I think you are a wonderful guy, again, as I told you on the phone on Friday and that regardless all the negative things you have said about your own self etc., it is the loss of those who don’t want to look past that…)
(Again,) You can think whatever you want to suit yourself but the truth remains; I AM your friend (but perhaps now you begin to understand why I have asked what you really want from me and/or if YOU were MY friend with each new round of anger and accusations etc etc.)
And, again, what is your word worth, when you say you forgive to move forward and then all of this?
(OH,) AND, FOR THE LAST TIME,
I DID NOTHING TO HURT YOU OR POINT TO YOU ON THE MYSPACE… (I might be guilty of misjudging but not of hurting you and spying on you, for crying out loud!!! I mean, HOW is that even possible??!) I have done many things in my life, good and bad, and I admit to all of them but I WILL NOT ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD AND AGREE TO SOMETHING THAT I DID NOT DO just because it seems to fit what you want or need at the moment, “Kelvaennius”…
I am not attacking you; I am DEFENDING myself (as best I can with your accusations which you are not elaborating further on and which makes me wonder). And I will continue to do so. Perhaps I should ask what a friend YOU are to be doing this kind of thing over and over but I don’t even think it has to do with me personally anymore, as, again, I have already said over and over! I have admitted to things that I have said and done but I did NOT SPY ON YOU… IF ANYTHING, I was spied on in order for some other myspacer to figure out I was talking about you in an 8ball game. End point.
Believe what you need to believe, “Kelvaennius”, (for whatever or whoever reason) but I hope you figure out the truth at some point. And soon. For your own sake.
I remain faithful and loyal to my friends whether you want to believe that or not…. Can you say the same when you have asked for forgiveness or say all is forgiven in one moment and you fly off the handle again in the next? I’m sorry, “Kelvaennius”. This is not my issue. I said I would stand tall beside you, regardless (and so I remain), but I will not accept blame for something that I have not done…… and I have to admit to feeling great pain that you feel you can continue to react this way toward me as though I am some kind of punching ball to your anger, whatever or wherever it truly comes from.
The truth shall prevail — even, if in this instance, it is taking its own sweet time.
Take good care of yourself, “Kelvaennius”. I wish you nothing but happiness and that you can face your demons and heal quickly.
With all my love,
S.
(removed)
***
addendum 15 May 2008, pared down, but only somewhat, ha!, hey, it’s ME doing the editing, after all!) and for clarifications in brackets on 17th…
As I said, after our last telephone conversation, I felt that there was real affection there… I felt for the first time, in two months especially, that things were (going to be) ok (regardless the eventual outcome), that there was hope again and (I) was MORE than willing to let Time take over for a while and let things heal… I had no intentions of playing around with that… (especially, because we laughed a few times here and there, which went a long way to melting my real or perceived need to defend against accusations of what I think or feel and why I do so, and, more importantly, I actually felt that I was heard, if not yet validated… and that meant the world to me)…. I fell asleep for a full night for the first time since that last baseless MySpace accusation and threat, after our conversation. I am sorry I sent you an extra e-mail about those tornados.. They had blown through your county the news said (and there was a death toll that kept getting higher), so I was concerned. And (so, please, imagine my shock that, now, seemingly out of the blue,) you get angry again over something (that had been) written out of reactionary hurt by (to) your anger then too, from over a year ago, and make yourself out to be a victim of a(nother) horrible woman yet once again as you have said they all eventually screw you over somehow? No. I cannot accept that. I will do as you say and add distance between us, but I still have you in my heart as you are family now (particularly after you spoke of our being like two stones which caused friction when rubbed together but were smoothed out and somehow got to fit (regardless in which ultimate manner) and I will NOT role (roll) over and play dead to how I feel in favour of what you tell me that I feel or think (no matter how much it may suit you or fulfills the needs of another for me to conveniently so do). And I say again, you are a good man, if somewhat misguided sometimes, and one with a good heart and you are indeed a loveable person. But (The killer for me is that) every time I lower my defenses or spend any time showing you that this is how I feel, you somehow (seem to) find a way to put me back into a place where I have to defend or explain my actions or add distance (because you get angry and hit back and hit hard, very hard, without first ascertaining if I am indeed attacking you, or, if my English just sucks again, or if I am teasing, or if I hadn’t realized at all that I was being hurtful and a word from you instead of an attack would have changed that ticketyboo, as I would never purposely hurt you or anyone, as I have said over and again). So be it. The truth shall prevail, as I mentioned, even if it is taking its own sweet time to get here. Love is patient. Love is kind. I shall endeavour to be these things in the manner you state you now need…. Heaven knows standing tall by you, as I felt to do, has only seemed to earn your ire regardless how many times you have subsequently apologized, (but, it is true, it is stifling if not understood for what it is, I really really get that, at least from my point of view, even if you do not share this perspective) so, hey, it is now my turn to apologize and submit entirely, not just partially, to what you now state…(As you have said, it didn’t work the other way, so let’s try this way….=))
You said you forgive me? Well, my friend, as I had added to the e-mail to you before the one above, and…
I Forgive You …
by Liz Larry
I feel like I should be mad at you …
But I’m not.
What you did hurt,
But it’s not the end.
I know G*d has something
In store for us.
Yes, I hurt – or did,
but now, I have questions -
I know I have the right to ask them,
But I’m scared …
At how it will make you feel.
You mean so much to me,
And I love you to death.
The trust that was broken
CAN and WILL be restored,
One question I have is:
How do we – as friends,
Go on from here?
It won’t be the same;
Not for a while – but -
In time, I know,
It will be better
Than it ever was …
I guess the answer to my question is …
Day by day, step by step,
Is how we go on …
It’s how we will make it.
http://cards.lovingyou.com/poetry/forgive004.shtml
2 Comments »
stepanouk wrote @
http://www.skysite.org/anger.html
http://www.skysite.org/anger.html
ANGER
A Disabling Emotion
Anger is not an involuntary emotional response to a specific situation. Anger arises from a philosophy-a way of viewing the world. At its core, anger represents an outlook of grandiosity, self-righteousness, commanding, and condemning. Many mental health professionals disagree with this view, that all kinds of anger are generally bad for you. Most therapists classify anger as “appropriate” or “inappropriate” according to context, and they usually argue that, when appropriate, it is healthy to express anger (“let it out”) and unhealthy to suppress anger (“bottle it up”).
Recent research, however, contradicts this popular view, and suggests that all anger, expressed or suppressed, is harmful to your health and damaging to your relationships with other people. Among the many difficulties associated with anger are:
o Increased likelihood of heart attack, stroke, and hypertension
o Greater difficulty in solving problems constructively
o A tendency for the anger, which may start in one area of your life, to overlap and extend into other areas
o Preoccupation with thoughts of revenge
o Adopting an antagonistic attitude, which needlessly alienates other people with whom it’s advantageous to have cordial dealings
o A predisposition to violence, especially child abuse
But doesn’t expressing anger help release a lot of pent-up frustration? It’s true that an outburst of anger may sometimes momentarily provide relief. But psychological distress often takes its toll on the body, and some preliminary evidence suggests that expressed anger causes more physical damage than suppressed anger. There is, however, a third alternative to suppressing or expressing your anger: Don’t make yourself angry in the first place!
The “expressive” approach implies that anger is something inside you, like a gallbladder. If your gallbladder bothers you, you could have it removed, and then it won’t bother you anymore. Similarly, if you can get your anger out, it won’t be inside you any more, causing distress.
This view is hopelessly mistaken. Anger is not a physical entity. It’s a feeling generated by an attitude or belief. You don’t free yourself of feelings by expressing the attitudes and beliefs that create them. That usually reaffirms and strengthens those attitudes and thus makes the feeling more likely to return.
Consider an opposite sort of feeling, like love – a feeling that we often want to continue. It’s clear that the more you express feelings of love, tenderness, and caring, the more loving, tender, and caring you are likely to become. No one would suppose that by expressing such feelings you were “letting them out” and thus losing them.
It’s exactly the same with the self-destructive feeling of anger. If you express your anger, you reaffirm and solidify your angry attitude, and make it more difficult to dispel. If you refrain from expressing your anger, this may be the first step towards avoiding anger entirely.
excerpt from Three Minute Therapy by Michael R. Edelstein, Ph.D.
Some Things Anger IS
1) It is acting out of control in order to gain control.
2) It is emotional disturbance.
3) It is distorted thinking.
4) It is self-righteous.
5) Unhealthy and can literally make us physically ill.
6) Usually a mask for other, deeper emotions (hurt, fear).
7) Addictive, because it can make us feel good in the short run.
Psychologically harmful, because it can increase our frustration and anxiety in the long run. Some Things Anger IS NOT
1) A stress reducer.
2) A safe way to express feelings.
3) A good way to motivate behavior change in myself or others.
4) An effective way to express a message.
5) An agent of control.
6) A requirement when threatened.
7) A symbol of strength.
A result of unmet needs (neediness is the problem!)
9) A learned behavior (it is inborn!)
10) An emotion that will run its course (it escalates!)
Tips for the Management of Anger
1) Always try to say I made MYSELF angry.
2) Give up the idea that anger must be expressed.
3) Know what to overlook.
4) Recognize that people aren’t against you, they are merely for themselves
5) Lower your voice.
6) Recognize the hurt or fear that precedes anger.
7) Recognize that another person’s abusive behavior says more about them and their emotional pain than it says about you.
Ask yourself if your feelings of anger are helping your problem solving skills.
9) Avoid scorekeeping.
10) Learn not to hit the sore spots.
11) Ask yourself how important the issue will be in a week.
12) Avoid mind reading.
13) Learn to agree to disagree.
14) Kill them with kindness.
15) Work on anger coping self-statements for “comprehensive emotional rustproofing.”
While properly assertive (as opposed to aggressive) language is sometimes appropriate when we wish to express our displeasure, as Ellis says, usually the best thing is to keep our mouths shut. This is especially true when we are displeased with a significant person in our lives.
Bill Borcherdt, ACSW, BCD
Techniques for Anger Management
* Express feelings in a safe environment (catharsis).
* Report anger to the person you are angry with.
* Mourn any losses connected to an incident that angers you.
* Keep a journal of what triggers your anger and how you respond.
* Identify and correct cognitive distortions.
* Replace ‘hot thoughts’ with ‘cool thoughts.’
* Revise ’should rules’ to be more realistic.
* Analyze the costs and benefits of being angry vs. ‘letting it go.’
* Develop the ability to empathize with the person you are angry with.
* Recognize when you are feeling angry or when it is a cover-up for fear, shame, guilt.
* Practice a quick form of gaining control, such as counting to 10.
SOURCES: * Anderson-Malico, R. (1994). ‘Anger management using cognitive group therapy.’ Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 30(3), 17-20. * Fein, M.L. (1993). I.A.M.: A Commonsense Guide to Coping With Anger. Westport, Conn.: Praeger Press. * Zook, R. (1996). ‘Take action before anger builds up.’ RN, 59(4), 46-50. * Staples, P., et al. (1994). ‘Empowering the angry patient.’ The Canadian Nurse, 90(4), 28-30.
People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by BELIEVING that they can upset us – Albert Ellis
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http://www.crescentlife.com/articles/psych/cognitive_therapy_and_anger_management.htm
Cognitive Therapy and Anger Management
Uzma Mazhar © 2001
“What is entailed in not indulging in your automatic emotions, is being conscious all the time. We are not talking about suppressing emotions, we are talking about not expressing them. To express them discharges them, and that stops you from really understanding and going deeper. Expressing emotions stops the process of transformation…. Indulgence just feeds the elementary needs and values, and perpetuates them”.
A. H. Almaas in ‘Indestructible Innocence’
As such there is nothing wrong with anger. Everyone experiences anger at some time or the other. There are situations in which anger is the most normal, natural and ‘right’ response and makes perfect sense, ie: seeing a child being brutally beaten, injustice, cruelty toward animals or humans, etc. Generally, anger is evoked when a person is offended, insulted or provoked. Most people’s anger is limited to situations in which it is justified, ie: when they have been taken advantage of, lied to, cheated, abused and so forth.
The problem is not the emotion of anger, but the way in which it is expressed that becomes the problem. Some people have problem managing their anger. It seems as if they are angry all the time and about everything. Even when nothing really provokes them, they feel incited, taken advantage of, belittled, or abused in some way. Sometimes their perception is accurate, other times it is distorted. Anger changes thinking, it makes a person defensive, and focus exclusively on what they believe is provoking them.
Some people find it difficult to express their anger. Some believe that it is wrong to express anger. This sort of rigidity leads to problems, because anger that is not expressed tends to accumulate, with explosive episodes. Unexpressed anger keeps a person aroused physiologically, which can lead to health problems like high blood pressure and even heart disease. Also, unexpressed anger can cause feelings of helplessness, which precipitate depression. Depression is anger turned inward, ie: suppressed. Therefore, it is important to identify your anger, and the beliefs that are keeping you from expressing it, and to learn appropriate ways to express it.
Some tend to exaggerate and dramatize situations, particularly interpersonal ones, so that they feel intense and prolonged anger unnecessarily. This unnecessary anger often leads to an exaggerated expression of anger– often directed toward others.
Anger is an emotion that affects many systems (emotional, cognitive and physiological). People can do many things to reduce anger; they can learn to relax, meditate, distract themselves (counting to ten before saying anything) or talk about it. All of these techniques can be helpful for some people. Sometimes hitting a pillow or a punching bag will “vent” the anger, it releases the physical tension in the body that builds up with holding back anger.
As in dealing with depression and anxiety, cognitive techniques are very helpful in reducing anger and lessening the intensity of outbursts. Explosive, uncontrolled and unmanaged anger is the result of some distortion in thinking. People who have difficulty expressing anger in an appropriate manner lack healthy problem-solving skills, and have insufficient adaptive responses to anger-provoking events. They tend to misinterpret events as negative even when they are not. They believe that it is OK to retaliate by being verbally or physically violent. They have difficulty recognizing the consequence of their anger.
There is no more effective way to control anger than to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. This requires learning how to alert yourself to the subtle signs of increasing anger. Look for cues that tell you that you are starting to feel angry.. ie: clenching your teeth, tight fists, narrowing your eyes, and speaking loudly, etc.
Anger is one of the most difficult emotions to control, because it has a sudden onset and escalates quickly. The key to effectively controlling anger is to slow things down. Do a ‘reality check’ instead of relying on just your perceptions. Once you have learned to recognize early signs of anger, and how to step back and evaluate the situation thoroughly, anger will lose a great deal of its power.
To feel any empathy is very difficult when one is angry, but it can make all the difference in the world. Often after we get intensely angry at someone, the next day we feel guilty to some degree. Learning to see the other person’s point of view can be difficult when one is in the middle of an angry episode, but with practice it can become second nature.
Extreme anger can make one blind and irrational. Extreme anger almost always has negative outcomes when it is taken out on another person. See if you can train yourself to step into the future in the heat of the moment. When angry, try to listen carefully to what is being said to you. Anger creates a hostility filter, and often all you can hear is negativity.
Learn to deflate your own anger… when angry ask yourself:
Where is the evidence? Are you sure, absolutely sure, that the situation is what you believe it is?
Is there sufficient evidence to back up your interpretation of the event that is angering you?
Is there any other way of looking at this situation?
So what is the worst thing that can happen?
What will be the outcome of my anger?
Where is the other person coming from?
And finally, to understand the source of your anger… ask yourself… why am I really angry? You will be amazed at the answer. It is almost NEVER the reason you think it is. It is almost ALWAYS about your own insecurity. For any real and sustained change we have to learn to tolerate some frustration and anxiety.
© Uzma Mazhar 2001 UzmaMazhar@hotmail.com